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eRrrrrrr

My life is falling apart. I feel like a giant ball of yarn waiting to completely unravel. I thought things were supposed to get better in 2009 but they are just as bad as 2008. Wes is starting to lose hope and faith and I want more than anything to be able to reassure him and make things better but it seems the harder I try to improve my life and our lives together the harder god fights back against me with all his might. I want soo desperately to be happy and for Wes to be happy. I hate to see him struggle and beat himself down for things he can't control. *will post more later*

bout time

Well figured I'd at least write a sentance or two about the happenings of my life recently! Cant believe its already december. The year is almost over and what a ride its been. Can't believe this time last year was when I met Wes, ah time flies. My 25th birthday is aproaching and I don't know exactly where my life is headed( school, job, living) but I'm super glad to have such an amazing partner to share it with. I think he's the greatest gift I could ever get. I look forward to experiencing new adventures with him. He really is my better half. Had an interesting and exciting experience relating to Craigslist, will write more about that later as I am at work currently. I am mucho excited my friend,Gorgeous Gaile is making me a Deathnote layout. Can't wait!

something interesting about myself....

i have been reading a few brief entries of a friend's live journal and when she mentioned her love for BDSM in a few passing entries, it both sparked my interest and my creative thoughts ran more rampant. i personally am very into the BDSM/fetish lifestyle and have recently found a partner who is both willing and excited about expolring this lifestyle with me. i greatly enjoy forms of dominance, submission,
discipline,punishment,bondage,role playing and power exchange.


i am a true submissive. i love having my partner take control.telling me how to behave, what to do and leaving me no choice but to obey his every command or be severly punished. it gets me hot and bothered to be called names and degraded and treated like a slut who"s there only for my partners pleasure.

*will write more later*

hello again loves

it has been entirely too long since i've updated my lj. it's been a long time since i've written anything actually. guess i haven't felt i had anything inside me worth putting on paper or in my lj. writting has always helped me sort out the inner workings of my mind but here lately i haven't wanted anyone to see inside me. guess i thought if i wrote it down and everyone could see it that i'd have to admit my defeat.

things have gone from bad to worse to awful and now are back to geting decent. long story short; i've moved out of my old apartment with Rachelle and owe her money for last month's rent. i owe lots of people money. Wes and some of our other friends helped me "break and enter" to get my stuff. Wes and i are now living together and although this wasn't the pretense we wanted to live together under,i'm glad that i had him to help me get through these tough times. guess he really is my knight in shinning armor;)

hard to believe the past couple of months have gone by at such an incredibly fast pace. next month, wes and i will have been dating 8 months. i feel like i've known him so much longer yet everyday i learn new things about him. i look forward to him comming home to me and i love being able to go places with him on my arm. how did i get so lucky? i am super excited about our future together. we have come a long way as individuals and as a couple and i can't imagine our relationship getting anything but stronger.

i'm looking more fervently for employment. i am very grateful to David and Nash for helping me even though it's hard for me to accept anyones help even Wes's. we updated my resume and im currently compiling a list of the addresses and phone numbers of my previous employers. all i can do is keep filling out apps everyday and calling to see what the status is on said applications. i pray that i will get some interviews and that something good will happen and i will get hired and be able to start making money. i am tired of relying on other people to support me(wes, my dad etc.) i am tired of money hindering my realtionship with Wes. and my sex life for that matter. i want to work and make things easier to proceed with future plans. moving into a place with wes, going back to school and finally finishing some kind of degree. i'd love to take wes to north carolina to meet christie and jordyn and jonathan and get some of my stuff. nothing would make me happier than connecting those two parts of me.

i am also working on how i conduct myself socially. i want people to find me interesting and i want people to like me. both a blessing and a curse. i need to stop being soo dependant on Wes to make me comfortable and include me. i need to stop being soo introverted and scared and just be myself.

i've been reading a lot recently(what else do i do with all this excess time?) and i am completely consumed with the Twilight series. what's not to love about vampires and werewolves?

jesus so much to say....

well, I figured it had been far too long since I'd written an actual entry and not just re-posted surveys or posted pictures...


The weather is nice today, I guess spring is finally here... I'm excited. All the pretty weather,  sun and breezy days have motivated me to go out and walk .For the past two days  I've been trying to appreciate all of nature's goodness. Doesn't hurt that I'm getting much needed excercise at the same time. As much as I hate to admit it, I've let myself go and I want to fix it.... I figure nows as good a time as any... I want to improve myself physically... gotta keep up with my hottie boyfriend...

I didn't enroll in school this semester.... I don't know why other than I  didn't feel very academically inclined. don't get me wrong i love to learn new things and meet new people but there are somethings i wanted to fix with myself and school would have distracted me from those. someday i might get back into the groove of school and getting a degree in something "useful" so as to help secure a more professional career path but for now i find myself researching more creative outlooks. i don't want to go to school just because the funds are avalible and unlimited, i think that would be a waste of others money and my time. 

i've been getting back into writting.... for a while it was so hard to follow through with my thoughts and ideas, hell even putting a sentence on paper wasnt fufilling... all i felt i did was churn out crap.... ive realized that if i only write a couple sentences a day or a pargraph in my journal, it's way better than nothing... and maybe i'm my own worst critic.. all i've ever wanted to do was be a sucessful writer, ever since i was little... i'm still working on my poetry, my short stories, reviews, trying to broaden my spectrum... i figure if i hangout with creative people, inspiration might rub off... it's intimidating that Wes is such a talented person, period... he's a good witer( even if i've only read one story) and he's my biggest inspiration at the moment.

i still haven't gotten a job, it's been almost 5 months since i've been in ohio.... guess i'm just suffering from the princess syndrome... i was fortunate to inherit enough money to keep myself afloat untill i can get my shit together and figure out where my life is going. well the gravy train is fast running out and i realize that i have to work to survive... i've had some fun... i bought phones, cable, clothes, etc and now most important is paying my bills and putting food in my cupboards and gas in my car... shouldn't be too hard to get a job, lots of places are hiring and now that i've gotten over being spoiled i will suck it up and put myself out there and hustle lol

i have made some plans for the future and i have my sights set on them... i need to work and make money. i will save and try and get myself out of ohio... i dont know exactly where i'm going but i don't have intentions of staying here any longer than nescessary.  i hope Wes will be along for the journey... i can't see myself gonig anywhere without him... he's such a major part of my life.

i still can't believe for the last 3 months, my life has been quite full of suprise, all of them good. i am in the most fufilling and amazing relationship i've ever had.. i am soo lucky that i stumbled upon such a wonderful guy. i keep thinking he will get tired of me and all my idiosyncrocies but he doesn't. i fall more and more in love with him, day after day. i miss him even when he's gone for small amounts of time. i feel i've found my best friend and my soulmate wrapped in one. he is the sweetest. he never fails to make me smile and i am happiest doing nothing just as long as i'm with him. he tells me i'm beautiful when i look like crud and he touches me in ways i never thought possible. i am soo spoiled. i love him with all my heart and i hope and pray that he knows how special to me he is.

i'll type more at another time....

here...

long long time ago....

lots has happened since i last posted... its hard to know where to begin writing...

news

 i am no longer single... finally i get someone worth keeping

he's amazing and i am soo incredibly lucky to have him

hope things work out, i havent ever felt this way about a guy

:)

changes....

lots  has been going on since i last posted but ill try and summarize

back in ohio... going to Columbus State for a semester, was going to take  classes full time but only got into one i wanted. 

have a roomate and my own place... she's a fun girl and she has two cute little dogs. nice to be out on my own

looking for a job since i'm not full time in school

broke up with brad... on our six month anniversary. he went to the hospital for possible blood poisioning in his finger. still wants me to pay his bills even though we aren't together.

mario wanted to get back together with me even though i was still with brad. didn't work out and now he's not even sure he wants to be my friend. apparently i used him untill i found something better. sad yet i suppose in a way i just wanted attention and i knew he'd give it.

i have someone special in my life whom i am growing more and more attached to by the day. it may seem like i'm jumping the gun a bit but i really hope things work out between us. he makes me feel things i never thought i'd feel and the more time i spend with him the harder it is to be without him even for small amounts of time. we are trying not to rush things and put labels out there like boyfriend and girlfriend but i am falling for him faster than i've ever fallen for anyone. it may seem that i am a bit of a realtionship hopper, as in from one to the next without breath in between but i think this one is worth keeping.

hope i get to see my north carolina peeps soon... i miss those kids bad

ill try and keep up with this thing better... i've missed writting

lol

 
LAYER ONE:
-- Name: lauren taylor stewart
-- Birth date: 12-23-83 Birthplace: charlotte nc--
--Hair Color: dark Brown naturally, blonde bangs
-- Height: 5'6 
--Righty or Lefty: Righty
-- Zodiac Sign: capricorn

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Scottish, Irish,german, chezch, italian
-- The shoes you wore today: old ass adidas shower shoes, navy blue and white
-- Your weakness: low self esteem, bad boys, coffee, magazines
-- Your fears: too many
-- Your perfect pizza: stuffed crust with pepporoni, cheese, sausage  and black olives
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: to be an accomplished novelist, to be in a happy relationship
LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: lol, wtf
-- Your thoughts first waking up: fuck, whos calling?
-- Your best physical feature: my hazel eyes, my smile, my boooooty
-- Your bedtime: i dont have a bedtime, usually around 2 am
-- Your most missed memory: i miss being in kindergarten and having naptime, i miss going to shows in nc with the girls
LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: sprite or mt. dew. mostly water and coffee
-- McDonald's or Burger King: mcdonalds
-- Single or group dates: both r fun
-- Adidas or Nike: converse
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: not big on teas, i occasionally like passion teas at Starbucks
-- Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
-- Cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino or coffee.I LOVE BOTH

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: when stressed
-- Cuss: wayyyyyyyyyyy too much
-- Sing: often
-- Take a shower everyday: sometimes twice a day
-- Have a crush: no. im in love.
-- Do you think you've been in love: yeah i think soo-
- Like(d) high school: i miss it now it's gone
-- Want to get married: eventually to the right guy if i ever find him
-- Get motion sickness: naw
-- Think you're attractive: somedays
-- Think you're a health freak: no
-- Get along with your parent(s): sometimes
-- Like thunderstorms: they scare me unless i'm snuggling with a hot guy
-- Play an instrument: nope

LAYER SIX:
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: nope
-- Smoked: yeah
-- Done a drug: nope
-- Made Out: no i wish;)
-- Gone on a date: nope
-- Gone to the mall?: no
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: i wish
-- Eaten sushi: nope
-- Been on stage: in my dreams
-- Been dumped: yes, tragically
-- Gone skating: nope
-- Made homemade cookies: no
-- Gone skinny dipping: nope
-- Dyed your hair: need to, been too long
-- Stolen anything: no i'm a recovering klepto


LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...

-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: socially yes
-- Been caught "doing something": i dont get caught;)
-- Been called a tease: yeah, everywhere i go
-- Gotten beaten up: once. back in middle school, i got jumped
-- Shoplifted: im a recovering klepto
-- Changed who you were to fit in: in the past yeah...now i just don't care

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: 25-28
-- Numbers and Names of Children: one boy and one girl
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: on a beach, very romantic and girly
-- How do you want to die: in my sleep
-- Where you want to go to college: somewhere with a good writting program
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: a writer/ poet,
-- What country would you most like to visit: england, australia, canada, paris, ect

LAYER NINE:
In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color? green = winner,
-- Best hair color? dark brown or black
-- Short or long hair: kinda long and shaggy or short and spiked
-- height: taller than me
-- Best weight: doesn't matter, i like em skinny
-- Best articles of clothing: whatever they like, usually i dig alterna guys or preppy boys
-- Best first date location: coffee, so we can get to know each other
-- Best first kiss location: somewhere romantic,like a park at sunset


LAYER TEN:
-- # of drugs taken illegally: 0, been too long
-- # of people I could trust with my life: 2 or 3
-- # of CDs that I "own" (question edited for me): over 200
-- # of piercings: one
-- # of tattoos: none yet
-- # of scars on my body: a lot
-- # of things in my past that I regret: a few events and a couple decisions



Random Questions

What are you wearing right now: blue hoodie and jeans
How often do you shower: daily
When was the last time you were naked: this morning, in the shower
Why are you filling out this survey: i have nothing else to update about
What do you do when you are bored: listen to music, write poems, call friends
Are you a people person: most of the time
Do you ride the big yellow twinkie to and from school: i finshed school, haha suckahs!
Is Barney cool: hELL NO
You watch the power rangers: used too back in the day

This or that: this
shower or bath: bath
shorts or pants: pants
shoes or sandals: flip flops
sock or no socks: none
orange or blue: blue
day time or night time: night
kissing or hugging: both
boxers or briefs: boxers
white or black: black


New one! On Music!!!!

1. Favorite band(s)? brand new, thrice, death cab for cutie, underoath, mewithoutyou,norma jean. beloved, etc....i listen to so much music i don't really have favorites
2. Do you enjoy concerts? im at shows all the time
3. What was the last concert you attended? um...warped tour 2003
4. Music you couldn't live without? any kind that i enjoy
5. Kind of music that would fall off the face of the earth and you wouldn't care nor miss it? bluegrass, most country
6. About how many CDs do you "own"? over 200
7. How many CDs can your stereo hold at a time? 1
8. Do you have a discman? yess
9. What CD could you listen to for hours? Uneroath, panic at the disco
10. Can you sing well? yes ive been told, i was in several bands as a singer.

How many CDs do you own by...
011. Britney Spears? 1
012. City High? none
013. O-Town? 2
014. Eminem? 2
015. Incubus? 4
016. Blink 182? all of them
017. Everclear? 1
018. Mandy Moore? 2
019. Backstreet Boys? 4
020. N'Sync? 4
021. Dr. Dre? 0
022. Fuel? 2
023. Linkin Park? 3
024. Destiny's Child? 2
025. Dream? 0
026. Korn? 4
027. Limp Bizkit? all of them
028. Missy Elliot? none
029. Nelly Furtado? none
030. Jessica Simpson? 1
031. Christina Aguliera? 1
032. Eve 6? 0
033. Sum 41? 0
034. No Doubt? 1
035. Mariah Carey? 2

What comes to your mind when you hear...
036. Goo Goo Dolls? slide
037. Lifehouse? hot lead singer, where r they now?
038. Vertical Horizon? that song from some movie
039. Vitamin C? put a smile on your face, graduation song
041. Savage Garden? music video with kristen dunst
042. Papa Roach? my ex bf matt who sings like them
044. Toni Braxton? shes old 
045. 98 Degrees? where are they now?
046. Our Lady Peace? i like em
047. The Verve Pipe? The Freshman, cool song, one hit wonders
053. The Fugees? quality hiphop, laryn hill;)

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dyingbutterfly
Everything I Touch, Just Turns To Dust

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